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Butch & Sassy, my son is in a triad!

By Butch & Sassy

Dear Butch & Sassy,

I'm the stereotypical PFLAG mom: my grown son came out as a teenager, and I've marched in Pride parades and consider his partner of 10 years my own son-in-law. I believe that a same-sex relationship is everything a heterosexual relationship is - except when it's not! In the past year, my son and his partner started "seeing" someone else, a third person, who now lives with them. At first I thought it was just a roommate, but they brought the new boyfriend to the Fourth of July BBQ and told us they are now in a "triad." I can't wrap my brain around it - I can't imagine a straight couple doing this. I'm worried about what people will think of gay relationships after seeing this, and I think this new guy is going to tear my son's and son-in-law's relationship apart. Butch and Sassy, can you talk some sense into my son and his husband?

Mommie Dearest

Butch: First and foremost: It's not your son's job to be the poster-boy for Gay America. Homophobes will be bigoted regardless of how your son behaves. That said, your maternal concern is understandable, and maybe even justified. But the fact remains that your son is an adult, capable of making his own decisions. Go ahead and voice your concerns to your son, but don't wedge yourself into the relationship - it's complicated enough as-is.

Sassy: Ay, Mommie, what a shock that must have been! Open relationships are somewhat common, but triads are less so, and usually the "third" doesn't come home to Mom and Dad!

For a lot of people, coming out as gay shatters your old perceptions of what's "normal" in a relationship. I assure you there are weirder arrangements, both gay and straight, than the one your son is in. It's not my place to judge anyone's love, but I'll make a prediction that the bond your son and his husband share is stronger than their bond with this other guy, and he may be a passing phase in their lives. Unless your son explicitly tells you otherwise, it's probably OK to think of him as just a close friend to the couple, and treat him as such.

Dear Butch & Sassy,

I just started seeing a great guy, and last weekend he left me alone in his bed after he got up early for work. As I stepped out of his bed, something fell out from underneath - the best way I can describe it is as a cone-shaped dildo with a long tassel attached to it. When I pushed it back under I found a bunch of stuff that looked like it was for tying up a horse. I put that with the fact that his dog is extremely "friendly," and realized that this guy may be into bestiality. I got the hell out and haven't taken his calls for a few days. I don't consider myself a prude, but sex with animals is just wrong. Am I totally off-base for running away?

Freaked Out in Fort Collins

Butch: So let me get this straight - the dildo "fell out" from under the bed, when you just happened to be alone in the room? Forgive my skepticism that this was an accident. Sounds to me like you went snooping and got more than you bargained for, Nosy Nancy. And because he has a friendly dog, you assume he likes having sex with animals? At least you've got an active imagination. This "great guy" may very well be kinky, but I seriously doubt he's fucking Fido.

Sassy: I actually find your imagination somewhat endearing, Freaked Out, but I am also skeptical that you just happened upon this stuff. And if friendly dogs are a sign of bestiality, there's a lot of kinky shit going on in the suburbs.

The tasseled dildo sounds like a butt-plug with a tail used for pony play, a type of kink involving one partner dressing up in horse-riding equipment like a bridle and reins. That may be unusual, but it involves consenting adult humans, not beloved family pets.

Butch: Since this guy doesn't know why you're not returning his calls, the least you can do is pick up the phone and 'fess up to your snooping. Realistically, you have as much explaining to do as he does. But even if your freak-out ruined the chemistry permanently, you still owe him some closure, because blowing someone off is a dick move.

Sincerely,
B.S.

Butch & Sassy is a weekly advice column by and for the queer community - for those who love, lust and need someone to slap 'em upside the head and state the obvious. Read all of Butch & Sassy's advice on OFCB.

Have a burning question for Butch & Sassy? Send it to butchandsassy@outfrontcolorado.com.