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Features
Steven Petrow: essential etiquette for everyone
Author Steven Petrow.
Want to change your ways and become a better person in the new year? Manners maven Steven Petrow, author of "The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette and of the column "Queeries," featured monthly on the Extra! page on OFC's Web site, can show you how. He gave us some expert insights and tried-and-true tips to start with, so read on and then check out his book and his own Web site for more advice.
What etiquette question do you receive most often from LGBT readers - and what is your answer to it?
Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Partner? Lover? Spouse? Indeed, if there's any single question people want an answer to, this is it. And the bad news is that there's no right answer - and no one right phrase. Even Miss Manners punted on this conundrum, referring to it as the "Great Insolvable Etiquette Problem," and she was worrying only about heterosexuals.
Let's start with the universe of choices: boyfriend/girlfriend, lover, partner, companion, longtime companion, significant other, spouse, wife/husband. Then there's the issue of how these words are actually used. For instance, I know a couple - and by that, I simply mean two people who see each other regularly - that have been dating for six months, and one refers to the other, behind his back, as his 'boyfriend candidate.' Ouch. Then, there are those who use 'lover' to mean 'sexual playmate' and others who construe it to mean 'life partner.' Not only do we need better definitions, but tone and context are equally as important in deciphering the true relationship.
So here's how to solve the unsolvable:
- Talk to your girl (or guy) about what she would like to be called and tell her how you'd like to be referred to. Of course, that may require 'the relationship' conversation, so proceed with caution.
- Ask yourself (and her) whether that choice is different in different venues - for instance, out with your friends, at a workplace function, or with your parents. Some couples choose to use 'boyfriend' or 'lover' in a gay environment and 'partner' and 'friend' in a more mainstream crowd.
- If you have had a civil union, domestic partnership ceremony or a marriage, by all means use the language that the law allows, if this is comfortable for you: domestic partner, spouse or husband/wife.
- Finally, don't let this question consume endless hours of your time. Many more important topics exist - such as how you feel about each other, not to mention climate change - than what you call each other.
Note to straights: Listen to how your gay and lesbian friends refer to their beloved. If Mary calls Robyn her 'girlfriend,' then you should, too.
What is the biggest etiquette mistake that you see in the LGBT community?
While not the most prevalent one by far, the one with the most egregious ramification is guys who are about to have sex and are uncomfortable talking about HIV status and condoms. Don't be shy, guys! It's both safe sex and good manners to protect each other.
So many hookups are taking place online nowadays, and the anonymity of online communication seems to lead to particularly bad manners. What is the proper online etiquette for friendship/dating/ hookup sites? What should you never do?
You're right, online manners are completely different, and sometimes it seems like we treat each other terribly. While you certainly don't need to respond to everyone who sends you a wink or an invitation - in fact, if you're not interested, just ignore them - you do need to show up if you've actually made a plan to meet. That's called standing someone up and it's bad form, period. It's really all about treating each other with respect. Is that really too much to ask?
What should you never do? If you're going to meet up, don't lie about yourself. Period. Don't say you're 6' 2" when you're 5' 10" or that you're 39 when you're 49 or that you don't have a girlfriend when you do. It will only get complicated later, and you'll look like, well, a liar.
Is there a right and wrong way to approach someone in a dance club and to turn someone down?
The best way is through an introduction by a mutual friend. But if that isn't happening, do your best to make eye contact. If he's interested, he'll lock in on you, too. Another smart - but not too aggressive - way is to wind up next to the guy and just start some small talk - basic lines like 'Enjoying the music?' or 'Do you come here often?' will break the ice. Last ditch strategy: Touch his arm or shoulder 'by mistake' and see if he does the same back to you — 'by mistake,' of course.
How to turn someone down: Try your best not to say, 'I'll be right back,' and then disappear, only to reappear nowhere near the guy, who is bound to see you. It's really not so hard to say, 'Great talking with you. Have a good time.' And then take your leave.
If a person sincerely wants to change his or her personality and behavior for the better in the new year, what should he or she focus on?
People don't change their personalities - or if they do, it's through therapy. But we can change how we treat each other, and that's the beauty of manners. There's a saying that 'feeling follows form.' What that means is that if you do something long enough, like act nice to your ex's hot new boyfriend even though you bitterly despise him, eventually you'll come to like him. The most important thing is to be authentic, which is to say honest and straightforward.
That being said, here are three things we could all pay attention to in the new year:
- Don't lie: If you're not going to call for a second date, don't say at the end of the first, 'I had a wonderful time. I'll call you soon.'
- Be appreciative: Sometimes it seems like it's so hard for many of us to say two simple words - 'thank you.' Be generous with them - to your friends, lovers and family members.
- Show respect: Even to those we have political disagreements with - in our families or various statehouses across the country. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep fighting for marriage equality.
Steven Petrow is the author of The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette and a contributor to the Huffington Post and the Daily Beast. Visit his Web site at www.gayandlesbianmanners.com.