Your Front Range Femme, Shanna Katz
Editor’s Note: Shanna Katz’s Front Range Femme column appears weekly on the OFC Blog. Shanna will be blogging about kinky queer sexuality in all its aspects. Her posts will sometimes be explicit and may cover controversial material like BDSM, role-playing, sexual assault, and may include language which could be considered offensive. If you find this type of material offensive or inappropriate, please visit other pages on the blog or go back to our Home page. If you wish to proceed, continue reading Front Range Femme: Making Space after the jump.
Often times, we decide to stick together in groups of similar people. Sometimes, it’s where we live; think Irish Catholic neighborhoods, the Gayborhood, near the Far East center. Other times, it’s who we hang out with and where; First Fridays, tHERe, JRs, with our rubgy team, our derby league, etc. We go to pancake breakfast fundraisers, the gay/dyke/queer bars, you name it. It makes sense – we’re with people who “get” us, we don’t (usually) have to explain our identities/genders/presentations. Most people understand that when you say “partner,” you’re not referring to a business associate.
So what happens when you want to be comfortable in a group that isn’t homogenous with who you are? Perhaps you want to join the local knitting circle, or moms n’ tots group. In my case, it was becoming part of the local BDSM community.
It isn’t easy, making space. It’s not for everyone. I’m privileged – my gender identity as a femme woman makes it much easier for me to “blend in” and be accepted in other communities. I may be treated like an alternative straight woman, but for the most part, I don’t get any more odd looks than I do in any other community. Which means that I may have an easier time making space for myself… and then for my partner, and eventually, for more queer people.
The community here isn’t anti-anything, really. They’re poly-friendly, bi-friendly, non-ageist, very accepting of size variety and disability. The only things I didn’t know on where they stood were feminism and queerness.
When I moved back to Denver, I was used to the kinky communities in Philadelphia and NYC, where there was a thriving group of queer kinksters. Arriving in Denver, I did not find that. There were far fewer “out” lesbians/dykes/queers. I met very few kinky trans guys (although trans women definitely have a space in the scene here), and when I used the term partner, most people assumed I meant play partner. Sometimes the themes of the parties made my feminist side uncomfortable, and it took me a while before I felt comfortable bringing my partner into the scene.
However, I made the choice to make a space – for me, and for others. It was difficult trying to explain to people why women and trans only spaces were important. Attempting to explain male privilege/the male gaze often made me feel like I was up against a brick wall. In the spirit of honesty, there were some parties I didn’t attend because I was tired of making space, and there was one class night where I burst into tears.
But I’ve done it. Instead of writing them off, and sticking with those similar to me, I chose a route of education. Between teaching classes on identities, roles, relationship mapping and fisting, and co-hosting parties such as Dyke Night with WiCK’D and Spanktrum with Mistress Saskia, I am creating queer space in the community. My partner and I are both now welcomed and cared for by many members of the scene, and have our very own space.
Making space is hard, but sometimes, it’s very much worth it.
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Shanna is a queer, kinky, sex-positive Femme and sex educator – a personable professional pervert, if you will. After presenting classes and workshops throughout the US, she is thrilled to be back home in Denver. For information on discussions, workshops, sex coaching, play parties, body-healthy sex toy parties and more, please visit www.ShannaKatz.com. She also writes as Essin’ Em on the popular sex blog “Sexuality Happens” at www.Essin-Em.com. Her Front Range Femme column appears weekly at OFCB.
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