Your Front Range Femme, Shanna Katz
Editor’s Note: Shanna Katz’s Front Range Femme column appears weekly on OFCB. Shanna will be blogging about kinky queer sexuality in all its aspects. Her posts will sometimes be explicit and may cover controversial material like BDSM, role-playing, sexual assault, and may include language which could be considered offensive. If you find this type of material offensive or inappropriate, please visit other pages on the blog or go back to the OFCB home page. If you wish to proceed, continue reading Front Range Femme: Defining Femme after the jump.
Shocker! There is a difference – believe it or not – between femme and feminine.
I’m getting really sick of these two identities or descriptors being linked together.
Femme is almost always an identity, although may be used as an adjective to describe an action – i.e., “Wow, you color coordinate all your sex toys? That’s so femme!” Femme is a term that is owned by many femmes in the queer community. It is an identity, a personality, an attitude.
Feminine is always an adjective (ever met anyone who identifies as “a feminine?”) and usually is created out of social constrictions for gender roles and stereotypes.
One can be a feminine femme – the words are not exclusive, but neither do they equate one another.
I remember the first time someone told me that I was a femme (having seen all the different outfits I’d tried on for an event scattered around my hotel room), and had an awesome “femme-itude.” I turned around, hands on my hips, looked her square in the eye and said “I am NOT a femme, and I do NOT have any attitude.” She laughed and told me I’d just proved her point.
Why was I anti-femme? Because I didn’t realize the difference between femme and feminine. I didn’t wear lipstick or heels at the time, and prided myself on being a feminist. To me, femme and feminine were synonymous, and I didn’t want anyone to confuse me with trying to fit into society’s roles of being a woman.
As I researched it more, I realized that there is a difference. One can be a femme whether they’re wearing an LBD (little black dress) and heels, or jeans with an oversized t-shirt. I could be a femme, and continue to hate pink and floral prints – two things our society defines as feminine. I could be a femme and check my oil or change my tires – things our society defines as definitely NOT feminine. Femme is what I want it to be – it’s an expression of my gender, of my identity, of my orientation, but more importantly, it’s an expression of me.
Just like the word “feminine,” the word “femme” is riddled with stereotypes. Not all femmes bottom (google “femme cock” and see what you come up with). Not all femmes are submissive – in fact, many femmes I know are tops/Mistresses/switches. Not all femmes are high-maintenance, and not all of them take four hours on their hair (honestly, my more masculine-appearing partners have always spent more time on their hair than I spent on mine). Not all femmes are kinky, not all wear heels, and not all want to have the door opened for them. It took me two years before I’d let anyone do that for me without giving them a talking to about the misogyny of chivalry. More over, femmes are not any more manipulative, on average, than any other identity.
Just like you can’t lump all butches or bois or trans men or any identity together, you can’t lump femmes together. We are like snowflakes or delicate flowers (or venus fly traps, depending on the femme) – each unique and different. Granted, we may have the same gender identity, but since when have all men or all women been the same? So love us for our individuality and femme-itude…not that we’ll all admit to having one!
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Shanna is a queer, kinky, sex-positive Femme and sex educator – a personable professional pervert, if you will. After presenting classes and workshops throughout the US, she is thrilled to be back home in Denver. For information on discussions, workshops, sex coaching, play parties, body-healthy sex toy parties and more, please visit www.ShannaKatz.com. She also writes as Essin’ Em on the popular sex blog “Sexuality Happens” at www.Essin-Em.com. Her Front Range Femme column appears weekly on OFCB.
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